Wow - long time, no blog

Yeah, so life's been a little nuts. It's been a long time since my last blog post. In fact, I seriously debated giving up blogging. The thought crossed my mind..."I don't have time for this nonsense." But then I remembered I'm a writer. And writers...well...we write. It's a cleansing process. Sort of a metaphoric soul-dump. And thanks to one of my dearest friend's most excellent progress on wrapping up a book she's writing, I'm now inspired to return some attention to my own languoring manuscript. What's my excuse, really?

House hunting is...painful. I just want to get it over with. Done deal. Move on. I'm such a "J". I don't like the whole offer-counteroffer dance. Feels like a stupid game to me...to the tune of thousands of my hard-earned money. Either take my damn money or don't. But don't waste my time with dickering over the whole thing. Grrr. I'll be glad to just get settled in a new home that is officially ours and not feel like I'm so out-of-place. New person coming in to our team in December, and uh, where's he gonna sit until I get my ass out of there? I am not a patient woman. There it is. The ugly truth.

It's nice to have today off work. I have a video script I should be writing for our execs. But I think I'll save that for later tonight with a glass (or three) of red wine. Ha! Now that I found my iPod (glory be!), I think I'll go under the earbuds and work on my book. I need to calm down and focus on the many reasons to give thanks.

BTW - can I just say that the new Dragon Age Origins game kicks proverbial butt? Dang -- what an awesome RPG. So many twists and turns. And every storyline is different. I really have to give the creators props. It's complex and delightful on so many levels. I am always a mage in these things. Being a soldier or a rogue seems so...mundane somehow. I'm kinda weird. I know.

Well, enough randomness for one day. Anyhoo, I'm back. Hopefully, soon I'll have a house to blog about!

It's Not a Good Day Here...

I've had one of those "Wish I could disappear into air and not be me for awhile" days. Ever do something thoughtlessly that makes other people arch an eyebrow, cluck their tongues and wonder where your brains were during the decision-making process? Clearly, the decision-making process for me has been hampered of late...whether by stress, too many peripheral distractions or the wrong quantity / quality of red wine, I've no idea. Perhaps all of the above.

• My daughter has been sick for a week with...um...intestinal flu. I've been traveling and leaving my poor husband with the brunt of diaper and linen changes. My daughter has been clinging to me all day, because I finally had the decency and presence of mind to stay home and work here so he could get some stuff done. Feeling guilty because I'm thinking about work stuff and trying to type with one hand on a BlackBerry or my laptop instead of nursing my 2-year old back to health with liberal doses of TLC and attention. What kind of mother does that?!
• The contractor we hired is taking forever to finish a simple job. It's been over a week and he's painstakingly slow.
• Sidenote: Slowness exasperates me. That's an understatement, actually. It makes me kind of flip out. I'm not patient...not with myself and not really with others, even though I pretend to be on the surface most of the time. (Or at least, I think I'm pretending. People who know me well probably have me all figured out by now and are totally laughing at that last statement.)
• I forwarded what I initially passed off as a humorous e-mail to co-workers today that was probably not in the best of taste. A friend discretely commented as much to me in a follow-up e-mail. To say I'm mortified and embarrassed and kind of hating myself right now is also an understatement. Mainly, that's because this lapse in judgement follows a similar lapse in judgement from last week while enjoying a little too much Crown and seven at the casino bar. I was a little relaxed, affecting my standard tightly-laced personal controls on speech, conduct and other areas of personal impact. Don't go jumping to conclusions. I didn't flirt with anyone nor did I gamble away money. I just didn't represent myself in the best of fashions. Fortunately, the company I was keeping was mainly composed of generous, understanding and non-judgmental people who will love me anyway and laugh at the whole incident in good humor. If only I could be as forgiving to myself.
• Here's the thing I hate about letting people know I'm a Christian -- they expect you to be perfect. They expect that if you worship God as your Creator and honor Him as the founder and author of your life, if you go to church on Sunday and if you serve in ministry, you are automatically exempt from obvious flaws that might mark you as "just another one of those kinds of people." If you drop an f-bomb in traffic (like I did in front of our church after nearly destroying the brand-new tire and hubcap because you have ZERO depth perception on top of questionable driving skill), or if you smoke a random cigarette or if you wear something a little too provocative...people are like, "YOU HYPOCRITE. And you call yourself a Christian! Tsk-Tsk." Maybe they aren't thinking that. But I think they're thinking that and that kind of weirds me out.
• Maybe...maybe the REAL problem is I'm completely OCD about how other people perceive me and maybe I should care less what they think and focus more on my own character development. But "should" does not equal "does." I am still sitting here being neurotic and worrying. Wishing I was perfect. Wishing I had the freedom to throw perfection to the wind on a rare whim just because I'm tired and don't feel like impressing people for a damn change.
• It's no wonder I take blood pressure, migraine and anti-depressant medication. I have serious identity issues.

Just call me Sybil? Who am I really? Is it who I should be? Is it who I want to be?
Most of the time, yes. Occasionally...uh, no. Today is not a good day. And today, I kind of wish I were someone else. Or at least, invisible. This is way too much damn information for a blog. But it is what it is. As one friend put it to me today, "You're not happy unless YOU'RE the center of DRAMA." Hmmm. Could be a point to that observation. Prozac, please...

Country Mouse, City Mouse

Things that excite me about moving to St. Louis:

1. There's a First Watch two blocks from my office. Which means my favorite breakfast, brunches and lunches anytime I get the hankering. (Mental Note: "stop using words like 'hankering' after moving to STL.)
2. The Galleria is like a mile or less from my office. Helloooo Nieman Marcus!
3. I have windows in my office and right outside my office.
4. When I go to the bathroom, I get the whole bathroom to myself. I don't have to listen to other people talking on their cell phones, washing their hands, stepping on the scale or gossiping about the girl that sits next to them in their department ever again. *happy sigh*
5. I get a credenza. Shut up. I know it sounds stupid. But dude! I need the storage space! I finally get one! Woohoo!
6. There's a zoo in town. (Good times for Aislinn!)
7. Six Flags is nearby. (Good times for Trevor!)
8. I'm still only an hour or two from all my friends in Columbia. (Good times for me!)

Seriously, I'm getting so excited. Appraisers are coming to our house end of this coming week. In another couple weeks, we should know the value of our home. That means we can start HOUSE HUNTING! I'm pumped about THAT! I can't decide if I want to rent a cute little brownstone or something in Clayton or buy something further out. I'm thinking rent. If we buy (I know, I know -- I keep going back and forth on this, but it's a BIG DECISION!), we'd never get any equity in only 4-5 years. It would all go to interest. So despite the tax break on buying, we'd have to live so far out to be able to afford to buy and then I'd be spending time and money on commuting. Versus living close and paying rent (no upkeep, no maintenance, no commute, HELLO Convenience!)...I like that better.

Besides...anything to live closer to the galleria, right? lol!

Where did it go?

I've lost my will to blog. I don't know where it went.
Maybe it will show up someday soon. *sigh*

Is it a full moon or something?

So, a couple of recent updates that make me wonder if it's a full moon...

1. Mom is in the hospital with appendicitis. Talked to her on the phone; she didn't sound good at all. This is on TOP of all the problems with migraines and fibromyalgia which have put her on 30-day medical leave from work. Dad trying to brave but lost it on the phone because he's (understandably) worried about her. Which made ME cry...for the second time in a 30-minute timeframe today. (See next item.)
2. I dropped Trevor off at church for an afternoon activity and managed to ram the hubcap into the curb not once...but SEVERAL times. This is the same wheel/hubcap which Mark just spent the better part of the last 3 weeks getting M*chens to repair. (don't get me started on THAT outfit) I immediately felt myself hiving out when I heard the "crunch, crunch"...thinking it was the exterior body of the van. Began praying for God to take me right then and there because I didn't know HOW I was going to come home and tell Mark I'd done damage to our 2008 PAID FOR vehicle. A nice man saw me freaking out and came over to comfort me (probably because he saw my daughter in the carseat behind me and realized her safety and arrival home depended entirely on the crazy woman without any depth perception in the driver's seat). He than hammered the nastily scratched hubcap back into place and assured me he'd seen much worse. I could have hugged him. Only I was fighing back tears. I came home and promptly sobbed all over Mark's chest. That would have been the FIRST tear-fest of the day. But it lasted approximately 20 minutes because I was so stressed out about the move, the house, and my mom.
3. I think this all began three nights ago when I decided to be supermom by going to both kids' doctor appointments followed immediately by going to F*urot Fi*ld to watch the J*HS marching band perform the Star Spangled Banner. Mind you, I was already pretty much exhausted from a crazy week. Then found myself sitting on the bleachers with my husband, N*ck, and Aislinn scampering around everywhere. Moments before Tr*vor's band was scheduled to make its appearance, the heavens let loose. To call it a rainout would have been an understatement. It was like Noah's Flood all over again. The umbrella worked for approximately the first 5 minutes. At that point, it was a lost cause. A 38-year old, 21-year old and 2 1/2-year old only fit so well under one umbrella, people. After that, it's all about wet butts and elbows. M*rk dashed to find the van under a jacket he held over his head (left us with the umbrella; chivalry is NOT dead). The vehicle was parked in the south lot. We were sitting near the north lot (because that's where they made us buy tickets. Dumb, dumb, dumb.). About one hour later, he returned with T in the van. We spent an entertaining 45 minutes huddled under the cement ceiling of the nosebleed section watching Aislinn stop through every single puddle she could find. She was having a blast. N*ck and me? Not so much. Was sooo glad to get home.
4. I spent an hour today spackling walls. We're going to need to paint and recarpet this place before anyone in their right minds would buy it. I'm trying not to freak. I put Mark in charge of all this, but I can't really stop worrying. So I just do it on the sly. And then cry like a baby when things don't go right.
5. I'm TOTALLY booking a spa date when I get back from T-Town. In.DESPERATE.NEED. I'm taking a bottle of wine with me and making it a full day affair. I don't care what it costs. I'm getting the whole works done. Manicure. Pedicure. Body wrap. Massage. Facial. Hair. Anything I can find on the menu. All mine. Maybe I'll come back a rejuvenated woman. If not rejuvenated, then at least tipsy enough from the wine to not care anymore. :-)

*Sigh.* And tomorrow is only Monday.

Whoa - been awhile...

Yeah, so lately I'm sucking at keeping up with the whole bloggage routine. Life has been a crazy train and I'm trying NOT to go off the rails. (Thank you, Ozzie.) Speaking of Ozzie, did anyone see DWTS last week when Kel made Oz and Sharon cry? So sweet. I loved when she flew across the floor to give her daddy a hug. What a moment. I have to admit; girl surprised me with her grace on the floor. Who knew Rocker Princess could become Cinderella with the right waltz music and partner? *smile*

I honestly don't know where to start. First of all, things are going well considering I'm working virtually in the new role. Headed to STL Thursday to spend the day there. Got a call from J on Friday morning; she just wanted to tell me she was really happy with something I did for her. That was awesome. Hard to know what people think of your work unless they take the time to tell you. I'm SUCH  a needy person when it comes to feedback. If I rock, I wanna hear about it. Same if I am doing awful. Rather know now than go out biting the dust until it's too late for a comeback, you know?

Last weekend, had a great time with C and the fam. Bonfire, wine (too much of it, actually) and delish food cooked by her hubby. Eight kids running around (not counting mine) and we almost caught the woods on fire. But it was awesome. *grin* Last night, I had some quiet time that just really felt like what the doctor ordered. I know this is going to sound lame but...I watched a marathon of ANTM with *several* glasses of cab as I burned white sage in abalone. I'm going to cry when my sage is gone. It was so relaxing. I curled up on the couch, turned off all the lights, ate a bowl of popcorn all by myself, enjoyed my wine and my stupid girl shows. And mellowed to burning sage. I need to get some more at Christmas when we had to Michigan.

So Mark is thinking we won't move now until Thanksgiving. I'm trying NOT to stress about that. I've kind of turned over the whole relo thing to him to manage. I think we're going to go with GBO rather than list. Less hassle. I just hope they give us a good price. And I'm not sure about whether we're going to rent or buy in STL. It really is a buyer's market. Just hate to sink our equity from the last 10 years into a place we won't be living in more than 3-4 years. You know? Argh. Decisions. That's why Mark's in charge. (See, I SAY that, but then I'm so OCD and  such a control freak that I still want to be part of the decision-making process. THIS is why I have HBP!)

I packed my first box from my office on Friday. I know..dumb. Considering I won't be leaving in full for awhile yet. But it still felt good. Like progress was being made. I can't wait to just get resettled. I've said that  before. I'm being redundant. I'm sorry.

I'm really looking forward to our team meeting in T-town in a couple of weeks. Will be sooo good to catch up with everyone again. I really do love our team. I love my job. Life rocks. God is good. So much to be grateful for.

Jammed out (or tried to) with the boys tonight on GH3. I suck compared to them. I hate that. One day, I want to kick butt and take names. But I don't have the skills yet. Grr. Still had fun. I miss 80's music. Just sayin'.

Wow, is that enough randomness for one blog entry or WHAT? Loving the weekend. Wish they were longer. :-)

Things Are Happening Faaa-aast!

So, remember I said we were going to take this "transition process" to the new gig slow and easy?
WRONG. Fast and furious is more like it.
Had a rap session today with C and we decided to speed things up a little (which may or may not mean "a lot"...)

So it's 6:13 pm and I'm just now getting to leave the office. And Monday, we're meeting all day to do a brain dump. And it's going to be okay. Really and truly. I have to have my house listed for sale in 14 days, but...yeah...*gulp*...it'll all be fiiiiiiiine! *insert scrunched up, chewing-lower-lip face here*

Faith, Patience, Peace.
(also known as Prayer, Wine and Sleep)

Tomorrow is a new day. It's gonna come together, right? *nervous smile*

Cool it, SB...

So I am RIDICULOUSLY excited about my new gig. Like--INSANELY excited. I can't stop thinking about it. I told my boss today I feel like one of those race horses at the track when the jockey is on their back and the gates are closed but just about to fly open and the horses are all stamping and snorting and tossing their heads. Dude - that's me. I'm so PUMPED to get settled and starting kicking a** and taking names. But...I need to chill. Lots to learn yet. Lots of details to attend to. Like, uh, where are we going to LIVE for one thing? Hello. Small but important factor. And getting my son into a good high school. And selling our house. Yada yada yada.

But can I just squeal on for a few more seconds? Because I went to my new location yesterday to spend the day there and I went into my new office and...wow. It felt so surreal. It's just an office, right? But it felt so cool. Looking out over the glass windows and seeing the city below me. Sitting my new chair for the first time. Looking in the desk drawers and stuff. Even turning the light switch on and off. I KNOW. I sound like a TOTAL dork. But I can't help it. I kept thinking, "OMG - this is going to be MY OFFICE." Hello. So cool. So freaking cool. I have an office now in my current job. But...well...this was my NEW office.

The assistants who work there were so sweet. I have an assistant, too, btw. A what? What do I do with one of THOSE? I'm so used to doing everything myself. I'll be like, "Hey! How are you? Have a great day doing whatever!" :-) lol. I actually share her with another person, but she was so awesome. She was all, "I'll make your office all pretty for you. Just ship anything you want to my attention." So sweet. Of course, I'd never charge the company for shipping when I'm like 2 hours away and could just drive it up myself. But still. So nice to offer, don't you think? I kinda loved her for that.

I gave so many hugs yesterday I lost count. And I found out there's a fitness facility on the fifth floor. And a masseuse that comes on Wednesdays. Hello!!!! I'm happy. Massages+Me=Happiness. Garage parking. Super fine facilities. I'm so tripping out over this whole thing. Cannot.Believe.It's.Happening.To.Me.

My management team is AMAZING. My former boss is now my peer and we work so amazingly well together. We're going to be such an awesome team. So exciting! I'm so happy!!!!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Okay, alright. I know. You're puking. "Cool it, SB." 'Kay. Bu-bye for now.
(But I'm really EXCITED! Just sayin'!)

Maybe it's about the glass...

I'm sitting here indulging blissfully in my first glass of wine to celebrate the new weekend. Friday night. Just got home. (Hey, wait...that's an 80's song, right?) I am trying to determine if it's the color of the wine, the taste of it or the actual glass that I enjoy most. The entire ritual, combined, I should think. I love Friday nights.

What an insane week. Great. Exciting. But insane. I've had NO time to blog. I walked out tonight and heard people discussing how short weeks seem so much longer. That was true a couple of weeks ago for me. But not this week. After the job announcement went out on Tuesday, my life became a gradual whirl of e-mail congratulations, phone calls, cards and general well wishes from an astonishing number of present and former co-workers. Pretty awesome actually. It was so nice to hear from so many folks who wanted to offer their words of encouragement. You forget how many paths you cross in a single lifetime until something sort of monumental happens and people reach out from across the miles. It made me smile, cry and give thanks.

Now that the rush is over -- temporarily, until I pull out my laptop again -- it's time to reflect. I still can't believe I will be an assistant manager. I still can't believe I'm being given the opportunity to work our top leadership at such an exclusive level. I still can't believe I get to stay with THE most amazing public affairs team in the entire nation. Seriously. I don't think it could be any better.

A co-worker has a gorgeous home about 45 minutes away from my new office and he's considering allowing us to rent it. It's on 2 acres of land. Breathtaking in all respects. Just waiting to see what the monthly lease amount would be and whether or not it's in our budget. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I keep praying to God to work out the whole housing thing. It's probably one of my top two stresses right now.

The other top stress is just sheer volume. Worrying about keeping all the balls in the air and not dropping any of them. Especially where an executive is concerned. That would be bad. Very bad. I'm very glad to learn senior leadership approved a replacement for my position. That means we can post and hire someone to take my job. I hope that goes smoothly, because it will make transitioning work soooo much easier for the whole team. We are stretched so incredibly thin right now, it's insane. How do you get blood from a turnip, exactly? ha ha!

Well, enough for now. I know I've been ridiculously lame about blogging. But I've come home tired and not in the mood to write. I can only write well when I'm relaxed and focused, not when I'm high strung and thinking about a zillion things at once. Perhaps I'll work another entry or two in before the weekend is out.

In the interim, there is one person out there who I'm not sure is even reading this. But if you do, you know who you are. I just want to say, "You're amazing." And "It's going to be okay."

Hugs to all my friends, family and secret readers. May your weekend be blissful and your heart light.

Dandelions and Batteries

So, my daughter is 2 1/2. She continues to prove a constant source of creative entertainment for me. You might call her my muse. I think, being an older parent, I appreciate observing her so much more than I remember doing with Trevor at the same age. I think it has something to do with mellowing out over time. As a new parent, I was so consumed with trying to do the job right. With #2, I'm like, "Yeah, I got this." And I just take time to enjoy.

This morning was a holiday (Labor Day). It was great to have the day to relax and be home with family (even though I'm super excited about the new job). Aside from wrestling with the irritation of another flat tire (WHAT?!) on our still very new van (WHAT?!), it's been just about a perfect day.

I rose to greet my sleepy daughter. We ate strawberry cereal together. She helped me make coffee (she likes to help fill the coffee pot, put the coffee filter in the basket, and press the button on the bean grinder to grind the beans). We won't talk about how I winced when she spilled Starbucks French Roast on the counter. (It's just coffee, It's just coffee...my whispered mantra as I cleaned it up. I get very protective of my Starbucks.) She watched her morning cartoons on Noggin, and I sat next to her to read a few verses of scripture while I enjoyed my first 2 cups of coffee. As I was underlining passages, Aislinn said, "Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Reading my bible," I replied with a smile and a wink.
"I want to read my bible too!" came the immediate and very predictable response. (This is a phase...everything I do, Aislinn wants to do too...on her OWN...without any assistance, thank you very much.)

I got her Scholastic "My First Read and Learn Bible." Thankfully, this is a handy boardbook bible. Pages easily wiped off. Because as I was underlining, Aislinn said, "I want to color my bible too!" Enter Crayola crayons to the rescue. Blue, to be exact.

Then, as she was flipping the pages, she stopped at a page showing a picture of Jesus healing a blind man. She said, "Mommy, what's that?"

"That man's eyes are broken, Aislinn. Jesus is praying for him and making him all better. Jesus is nice. He loves us all."

A few moments passed as she processed that information. Then a classic Aislinn response...definitely marking her as a child of the 21st century. "Mommy, that man's eyes are broken! He needs more batteries!"

LOL. Thank goodness Jesus knows how to recharge all our dead batteries. :-)

I kind of love my daughter. I love everything about being her mom. Making her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Brushing Barbie hair for 20 minutes straight. Watching her eat a popsicle and end up with green, blue or red face smears. Playing mermaid with her as she takes a bubble bath. Washing and brushing her hair. Helping her put on lotion. Painting her toes (which she loves to do on weekends). Reading stories, watching toddler TV for hours on the weekends, playing play-doh, cooking with her (yes, I let her help!), and tucking her into bed each night. I love how she says, "I love you too, Mommy" in a sleepy, happy voice when I give her kisses and tell her I love her each night in bed. I love how she's happy every morning when she rises. I love her hugs and the way she wraps herself all around me when I pick her up. I love how she squeals, and dances, and points, and jumps up and down and yells, "My MOMMY is here! My MOMMY is here!" when I pick her up from school. I love how she picks every single dandelion in our yard or at the park, and brings them to me a squished-up bouquet of toddler affection and asks me to put them in water. Which, of course, I do before placing them on the window sill over the kitchen sink.

Thank you, God, for little girls. For replacing our batteries. And for dandelions...lots of them.

So...what a WEEK!

Yeah, I know. I get all hepped up on this blogging deal and then I disappear for a week. Well, I have a good excuse. A lot has HAPPENED in the last week!

First of all - I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB OMG!!!

*me doing happy wiggly dances all over the place*

I cannot believe it. I'm still in shock. Crazy. I couldn't even process this week. All I could have blogged about was how absolutely nuts I was going (a) getting ready for the interview, (b) worrying about how stupid I sounded DURING the interview, (c) freaking out about what I said AFTER the interview, and (d) wondering if I was going to make it to the second round of interviews.

In a nutshell...I made it. The job is mine. I'm in H.E.A.V.E.N. There are so many awesome things about this that I can't even list them all. The main thing is that I now know I don't have to leave my amazing team. I am so overcome. My FB has been going crazy tonight with all the well wishes and virtual high-fives. It makes me cry. Seriously. I have the best life ever. I totally give God all the glory on this one. We prayed so hard this week, that everything would work out just the way it was supposed to and that God would make the way clear before us. Didn't want any doubts.

He didn't just make the way clear. He blew the doors down and shoved me through them. LOL.

I am so excited. I can't wait to start the process of transitioning, finding a place, etc. There is SO much to do, but I am so pumped and my family is on board and I just KNOW it will all come together. This is a blessing from the word "go" so it can only get better from here, right?

Yay! Yay! Yay!!!!

Lots of other stuff happened this week, but nothing that really compares. I'm on TOP OF THE WORLD.
I love P.A.!!! :-)

Rainy Days and Fridays

There's an old Carpenters song (I know, I'm showing my age) called "Rainy Days and Mondays." Kind of a sad tune, really. The lyrics moan, "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down."

Strangely, I've always loved the rain! Water of any kind, actually. I'm definitely a water-person, true to my Pisces birth sign (for however much you can put stock in that sort of thing). I do my best relaxing, writing or music composition when it's raining. I like it best when it's a gentle mist or a slow and steady pitter-pat that brings life and refreshment to our thirsty planet. But thunderstorms are also a favorite. I won't tell how many times I've probably risked my life, walking under a cloud-tossed sky to gaze, mesmerized, into the electric horizon as thunder boomed and rain drenched me to the skin.

Today, I rose to welcome a cool-and-misty kind of day. A Friday.
"Rainy days and Fridays always make me smile."

Just finished an a-MAZ-ing bowl of black bean soup, seasoned perfectly, and have now begun to devour a plate full of nachos. No meetings this afternoon...just writing away in my office. So I went for the full monty - onions, jalapenos, the works. Yum. Along with Yellow Tail after a long, hard day, good food makes me deliriously happy.Or maybe it's just the fact it's Friday. And I'm blogging. And I know in a few more hours, I'll be home to rest and enjoy the weekend with the most important people in the world...my family.

I've been thinking a lot. About women in my life - special women I know, respect and love. About how we tend to try to carry the burdens of the world on our own shoulders. How we feel compelled to heal the hurts, wipe the tears, fix the brokenness and mend the wounds of others. And how, in the process of yielding to our compassionate, nurturing souls, we occasionally risk forgetting to take care of ourselves. I know some women like this. Do you? Are you one of them?

I guess I want to say--to all my sisters out there--make time to take time to recharge your own batteries. Do what you love. Feed your own soul. Laugh out loud. Be silly. Paint a picture. Dance in your shower. Get all dressed up and take yourself to lunch. For 5 minutes, just look in the mirror to admire your natural beauty without make-up, tanning lotion or worrying over your weight.

Learn to revel in your grace and passion and power while still being okay with your own tenderness and vulnerability. Women are made to be complex. It's part of our mystique. It's part of how we make our own unique worlds a little finer, a little richer and a little more amazing.

Today, I'm glad to be a woman. Glad to be eating nachos. Glad it's Friday. And glad it's raining.

From the words of a more contemporary tune, "This one's for the girls." Make it a great day...wherever you are and whatever you do. Rock on, sisters.

Time OUT!!!

Okay. I have one of those high-pressure, pounding-in-between-your-temples headaches. Tragically, my headache RX is not here. It's at home. Safely out of reach. Or I'd totally take 10 right now. Gah!

I'm kind of over a few things. Like people who don't understand that "strategy" implies "executional purpose." Like people who don't listen. Like people who think creative problem-solving is about what color fonts they use. SERiously. How much are you paid again?? That's the sucky part of my job. Getting to tell certain people (who don't listen) that their (colored font) approach to business strategy (minus the "execution" components) will not produce the desired results. And then listening to them say they want to proceed anyway.

Coaching up sucks.
AND it makes my head hurt.

I feel like I have 20 things on my desk right now all due in two weeks. (I don't, but it feels that way. I tend to overreact when I get stressed. Those of you unfortunate enough to work or live in close proximity to me are either nodding and rolling your eyes or laughing out loud right now.) Is it possible I'm an alcoholic if I look forward (I mean...look REALLY forward) to my glass of wine after work every night? Sometimes it's 2 or 3 glasses. But mostly just 1 or 2. For real. I'm not exaggerating. That's not a problem, is it? Because honestly, if I didn't have my wine, I think I might just be a basketcase. I love the delicious way it helps me chill out and re-lax! Takes the edge off. Helps me laugh instead of snarl. Jesus liked wine! (Jesus was a cool dude, if you ask me.)

I am wrestling a major decision right now. Probably a decision I won't even need to make. But I'm worried I might have to make it. And I'm worried about which way to go if I do have to make it. Usually, I'm so..."go with your gut." And I do and then I'm over it and fine. But this is--kind of a big deal. Kind of a lot of change, no matter which way I go. And kind of impacts a lot of other people (AND me) in different ways, depending on which path I choose. So in the meantime, while there's no decision to actually make yet, I'm being a dumba** and worrying about it anyway. I'm such a dork.

Okay, I really do need to get back to my work now. My head still hurts. My eyes are dry and scratchy. And I really want my glass of wine. But I have some more to do before I leave for the day. Dear Diary - so glad tomorrow is F.R.I.D.A.Y! *sigh*

Ever do this...?

Ever furiously dump your bucket in a blog post, press "Publish Post," sit back, re-read it in satisfaction, sign out, and return to what you were doing...only to have second thoughts about what you wrote?

Second thoughts as in, "Dude. I probably shouldn't have put all that out there for everyone and anyone to read."

Yeah. Just did it. Deleted it. Feel better now.

Blogging is awesome. Therapy balanced with self-maintained damage control...all at the press of a key or click of a mouse.

Back to work.

A New Addiction...

So, SERIOUSLY. This blogging thing is becoming my new addiction.

I think it's the writer in me. I now look strangely forward to the morning hours with my coffee and quiet time. Putting work on hold for just a few more minutes. And penning my thoughts for no one other than myself. It's satisfying. I can't explain it, but clearly, I'm not the only one to find the experience so...intrinsically rich. Otherwise, blogs wouldn't be exploding all over the globe, now would they?

Two thoughts to start the day: (1) people -- on average -- are miserable, and (2) I have the best job in the world. Let me elaborate:

I drove to work today and paid close attention -- for some weird reason -- to all the cranky-ass people with whom I am blessed enough to share roadspace. Here is what I observed:

• One woman who looked like she hadn't slept in 9 years, hair a fright, rolling her eyeballs with the same source of venom that compelled her to round the corner on two screeching wheels...
• One vexed minority youth who looked like he planned to run over me or anything else foolish enough to pull out in front of him (I wisely let him pass before exiting my cul-de-sac)...
• One selfish person who didn't know that YIELD signs actually mean to...well...yield. (Wait, there's so many MORE than ONE of these people in this city. This was just from this morning's commute.)
• One annoyed father/husband driving an SUV full of family members who looked like he was ready to step out of his vehicle and educate the driver who didn't understand "YIELD."
• One brash young lady who decided her black BMW had the right to tailgate my a** all the way to work. Yeah, that's right. She works here! I stalked her in the parking lot. I think she was afraid. Lucky for her, I had my blog and coffee waiting for me, or girlfriend would have gone.down.!
• It occurred to me that the vast majority of drivers today are not experiencing Road Rage, per se. They are experiencing General Malcontent. Life Rage. As in, "my life sucks and I don't know how to fix it." It made me feel sorry for them. And grateful that--MOST days--I don't fall into this category. (Emphasis on the word "most." Muah!)

I have the best job in the world. Best team. Best management. Best physical environment. Best tools and resources to do my work. Best flexibility and work/life support. Best salary and benefits. God rocks! I totally credit Him for all the blessings He continually showers upon me and my family through my amazing career. I stop to think about all the people who are so much more qualified than I am...and who are struggling to even keep a steady paycheck in this economy. And I fall on my knees and thank God we are not in this situation. I pray we never are. Seriously. It's amazing. I mean, we're definitely not rich. But we have so much, comparatively speaking. Not just things. But relationships...health...peace. The things that make families whole and complete.

And when occasional stressors do threaten to interfere, there's always a glass or two of Yellow Tail to make it all disappear into a vapory cloud.

Happy Tuesday, Angry People of the World. I raise my glass in salute. May you find your own Yellow Tail...and soon.

The Masquerade

My personality type describes me as a "chameleon." Funny, because when Mark and I were dating, all his friends and family said the same thing about me. One person one minute and another person the next. (Some in the psychology community might call that dissociative personality disorder. HA!) In any case, it's true. I own it. It's cool.

So here's the thing.

I was staring at my own reflection about 4 inches away from the bathroom mirror this morning. Putting on make-up, getting ready for work. And the evolving physical contrast slammed me like a ton of bricks...I'm changing into my "Work Self." All weekend long, I've been running around with no make-up and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. Shorts and tank tops. Drinking beer and playing games with the kids.

Now, it's Monday morning and the sun-kissed freckles began to disappear beneath powder, lip liner, lipstick, blush, mascara, eyeshadow... Donning a corporate black-and-red power ensemble, I slipped on my red heels and positioned my cat's eye glasses. Who IS this person in the mirror?

Another side of the plain-Jane 38 year old Mommy who loves backyard cookouts, badminton and cold beer on hot summer days? Yeah. That's me.

No wonder my favorite song from Phantom is "Masquerade." It's my life, people.

Mews Muse

I understand the fact that dogs are purported to be man's best friend. I get that, actually. We had an adorable beagle named Lexie who proved to us daily that when it comes to unfaltering love, affection and forgiveness, nothing beats a dog.

Still, I'm kind of a Cat Person. Always have been. Always will be. Something about their eyes, their sleekness, their mild aloofness. They love you but they don't pander. They don't run around in circles and pee on the floor when they're excited to see you. They trot gracefully to your side and rub up against your leg. Cat-style. Awesome.

I also get why the ancient Egyptians revered them. And why certain African tribes are still terrified of them. I had this guy over to my house a couple times for a study group and he kept as much distance between himself and my cat, Romeo, as possible. Romeo had these yellow-green eyes that seemed almost "other-worldly" in their penetrating gaze. My dad (God rest him) used to call them "Boo Eyes."

But cats are amazing creatures. Every time I watch a Discovery or Animal Planet show on big cats, I find myself inadvertently holding my breath. They're such an impressive cross between softness and predatory strength.

I guess that inspires me, in a weird way. You don't have to be all cuddles all the time. Nor do you have to pounce on people and eat them for dinner 24/7. You can have long claws but keep them hidden but for special occasions. lol. I know. I'm a little scary that way, huh?

Blueberry Apple Pancakes

There's something about Saturday mornings...

Maybe it's the smell and sound of Starbucks coffee percolating from the kitchen.

Maybe it's the mild summer breezes of late August that turn my living room curtains into sage and rose butterfly wings.

Maybe it's the comforting warmth of my husband sleeping in right next to me and the knowledge that just across the hall...my children are tucked into their own little dream worlds.

Whatever it is, Saturday mornings kind of rock. I love their slow rise and rhythm. The lazy grace that spells relief from five weekdays' worth of frenzied pressure to perform, to beat the clock, to dance to the cadence drummed by executives, children, co-workers and my own crazy compulsion to be perfect.


Saturday mornings are like clean air to ravaged lungs. 

This morning, I awoke to breathe in deeply.

I'm not sure why, but even being busy on Saturdays feels different than being busy during the week. At 10:45 am, I found myself in the midst of a kitchen cyclone. A pan of turkey bacon and sausage over there. A pan of sizzling hashbrowns over here. A griddle of blueberry apple pancakes sending the subtle aroma of cloves and cardamom wafting across the counter space. Fresh garden tomatoes and green onions sauteeing in butter, soon to be blanketed by poured scrambled eggs with sour cream and sharp cheddar. A spatula in one hand. A wire whisk in the other. A knife to the right and a spoon for tasting to the left. The buzz of conversation from my husband and sons' debating world history and radical religion. The predictable, staccato tug on my shorts from my little girl. 

"I want pancakes, Mommy."

One look into those gigantic beautiful, blue eyes and I feel the rush of Saturday's easement over my tired mind. 

Despite the crazy kitchen. 

Despite the multi-tasking mania of Wife-And-Mother-At-Domestic-Labors.

"Blueberry apple pancakes?" I whisper to her, as I reach down to lift her into my arms.

"Yeah!" she smiles contentedly, as she snuggles into my neck.

"Me too, baby. Coming right up."

Thank God for Saturday mornings, Starbucks coffee, my phenomenal children...and blueberry apple pancakes.